McSweeney's contributor Douglas was a college
student who liked books and needed a job, so he became a page in
a "run-down" Anaheim public library. He soon discovered the
"dark truth about librarians"-that they don't actually read
much. Still, lacking better career plans, he accepted a state
grant to get a degree in library science. The more he got to
know his local branch, the more it felt like "watching a soap";
the staff was "like a family." When he's not repeating petty
tales of staff infighting, Douglas focuses on four types of
library users: teens, homeless people, crazy people and the
elderly. According to him, most of them smell, all but the
elderly make too much noise, and they all, in defiance of
library rules, try to access pornography on the internet. After
retelling a story of someone masturbating at the computer, or of
nefarious activities in the public restroom, the author is quick
to follow up with proud words about being a non-discriminatory
public servant; his pieties wear thin after awhile. Early on,
when Douglas realizes he's a librarian because he loves helping
people he's quite likeable, but when his stories become
prurient, it's a turn-off.
